The bastard you know, is the hero you hate

envy is probably the deadlest thing...next to love.

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 00:55:41 GMT

i'm so sick of this shit. i was your friends your good friend. " i feel the saftest and closest to you"....what happen. what possesed you into evious compotetion, to the point of hurting others to get to me?

Within my hatred for you. I can find a love. A love i know within you.
Don't make me kill you.....

....hmmmmmm BLAH!

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 21:49:11 GMT

everything is going good. and things are finally lightening up from beign sick and bullshit at quabbin. I'm glade. I was feeling hopeless.

its great to be optimistic...

<3333

they call me Saucy Jacky.....

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 20:02:20 GMT

I've had enough of trying my fucken hardest to try to be accepted for your standers. (oh yes this being you....you know who you are) Expecially, when I did no wrong. I simply fell in love with a loving, understanding, beautiful young man. Which is only expected if it was you, who have ever been so fortunate to encounter such a person. And if you have then you can relate with me.
And being overprotective of your younger brother is highly acceptable. And so am i, with all 7 of my siblings.and YES! i did have had a rough life so far, and have experienced life and death with close encounters.

So don't play me to be the young ignorant young girl whos made mistakes for attention becuase she plays the victim. and don't look down on me becuase i'm younger. becuase we can determin whose more mature(blacking mailing your own flesh and blood with his own disicions rather then supporting him with the ones he made). but i will scoop down to your level becuase they call me "Saucy Jacky".

But lets make this clear and enlighten you on the type of person i am to this very day. I never make or peer pressure your brother/my love into doing anything he didn't want to. I've had done things on my own terms, and MY own terms only. and yes he has known about them. But his well being is more important than my own and always will be..with all the highest priority. no influence will enflict on eachothers oppinion and decisions, jsut the care and concern that we have for one anothers well being.

Now i'm a very ethnical, responsibly, independent person. i always tell him if he hasn't known already the concequenses, what i think, other ways or ideas. But hes decision was the final outcome...not mine. and i will support him for his decision he makes under every circumstances. And help him when he has fallen with all my love, and support i could possibly give.

and as you know now,we have made decisions together as an couple.....more than a couple. As lovers. And we do these things with greatest intelligence, percaution, and love as any people should be doing.

I love him. and there is nothing you can do about it. and if this is my sin.

then so be it.

yours truely,
melanie wicken

Jared says:
so what are you up to
mel:
not much you ?
Jared says:
nothing really im recording my voice im such a loser lol
Jared says:
i miss you sooo much
mel:
thats ok i love you even if you are a loser.....
Jared says:
lol
mel:
lol but thats pretty bad
Jared says:
thank yo i love you too
mel:
lol i've done the same
Jared says:
lol
Jared says:
i love you

theres a price to pay for happiness...i'm fully convinced.

photos...

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 01:01:29 GMT

so lee and i taken some photos for this upcomming art show i'm in. there not to bad. there is still one picture i been dying to take. anyways. so its silly that the pictures are actually of leona and i . But we haven't found anyone willing to shoot. so if you knwo of anyone that is willing to be taken and to set up a date. that would be lovely....if anyone loooks at these anymore. *sigh* ....

What hurts more,the Cold or Lonliness?

Child's Play

Saluate Dominus

Never Alone.... ( look it the orbs)

Beauty is in the Madness

Devil me this.

linger amongst the forgoten

....

hmmm...

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 00:03:25 GMT

talentless....

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 00:54:20 GMT

I had a meeting with mrs. adams today... i avoided accusing Ms. Spencer for grading me wrong, and started out with i need another chance, and i was going to go on as i took art 1 two years in a row back in quboag with A's. Blamming Ms. Spencer for the only chance of me passing Art 1 by the skin of my teeth i knew wasn't a good aproch, not with a classic art teacher. I KNEW BETTER, although i didn't excusse it either. Becuause she did, many of times.
She told me that i would get my second chance in a year. I would have to do Art 2 in my senior year. and the only reason i would into Art 2 was becuase Art 1 is always packet with "new commers". " Even though I know that she wont be able to do Art 2". I was told i was talentless, had no meaning to art, no bussinuess in Art, and that i wouldn't make it in the art world becuase its so competitive.

I cryed. i sat there and i cryed half way through the accusement of being talentless. I never been in so much rage in my life in school. i'm usually well tamed when it comes to my anger and learn how to controll it, so it came out in tears to the point i was holding my arms between my legs cuase they were shakig so much, and i couldn't speak. THe only thing that was racing through my mind was. " Ripp her vocal cords out...just Ripp them out, or take the fucken chair do something"

The only way i could try to justify myself as Ms. Esilonis pushed me on, on explaining my home life to her. Was to scream sense she wouldn't allow me to speak and talked in a rather lough degrating vioce. so i cried more...in fustration.

she goes to ms. esilonis " she jsut said art wasn't meaningful to her"

" you wouldn't let her finsih her sentence"
...
i said nothing. but " why would i be here if i didn't have some type of meaning for art"

she just looked at me like shit and said "yea??..."

i couldn't even deffend myself. becuase all i wanted to do is pick at her for everything that shes worth.her fucken art classes....

But when you call me fucken talentless you better fucken watch out i'm comming for you and your dignity.

talentless....

ha.

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 10:58:13 GMT

its preety funny i just relized that when i don't sleep and awake at 2:30 in the morning i sit there and daydream to the point that i think i'm sleeping and dreaming.

i came to this conclusion when i kept on "wakign up" with my eyes open......

im soo silly.

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 00:28:11 GMT

I will love you till death does us part. Even then my love shall haunt you forever.

forever, and ever.

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 22:45:18 GMT

" I have no faith in human perfectibility. I think that human exerction will have no effect upon humanity. Man is now only more active-not more happy-not more wise, than he was 6,000 years ago." Edgar A. Poe

its still true to this very day. But i still have faith in mankind....the minority that is.

I must say that i will miss US History. For Mr.loosemore is a very good teacher and a teacher that i will miss. theres only a few teacher-nevermind people, that have taken my oppinion in thought and or accept is as at least an oppinion of the overactive minded youth. rather than dissmiss it for lack of wisdom. very appriciated.

i have given up on art in quabbin.i will revenge myself with something more great on my own. i will go from artist to artist i will go through history and lifes integrity and show you something natrually proccessed with a flavor of raw essence. oh and i will. you watch me. i can smell your curiousity from here. oh yes.

" you guys are so morbid."

ig·no·rance ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gnr-ns)
n.
The condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed.

fear ( P ) Pronunciation Key (fîr)
n.

A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear
stu·pid·i·ty ( P ) Pronunciation Key (st-pd-t, sty-)
n. pl. stu·pid·i·ties
The quality or condition of being stupid.
A stupid act, remark, or idea.

i can't smell the difference....

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 20:50:55 GMT

i'm scared....

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 15:27:38 GMT

:)

snow day.

yay.

:(

me throat hurts.

other news. leona and i are sycotic. my hair has grown out and i feel like i have 80's hair with the layers grown out. *le sigh* oh well.

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 16:03:54 GMT

i figured out what i'm ganan do for the rest of the year and graudation.

i'm going to gradutate.

i'm going to have the art gallery show soon....

i'm stubburnly in love. yes stubburnly becuase i finally admitted that i was in love ( i was affriad to fall inlove).

i have lost a friend becuase of me falling inlove. but thats ok. i did alot for her anyways. i did love her.

bass is comming good.

frank says i can sing.......but i'm chicken shit

i hate school. but i have a few tachers on myside.....finnally

i learned to open up....and addmitt i might have a problem. well problems...

but i don't feel bad for them.

i'm proud of myself.for?.....everything

i'm a good lover. and i'm proud of that too.

i'm sexually active and not pregnant....sorry jerry

i got new panties and bras...

things i'm happy about.......yay.

i < x 3 you!

Do you feel my hate?

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 02:47:21 GMT

Blinnky13: i know you would help me but ur not here so it only works to some extent. i have 2 more years and i'm going to try my damdest to stay here .....fuck idk if i can i got soo pissed at her i visioned myself sliting my wrist and bleeding on her....i pictured myself smearing her face in my blood on the kitchen table....screaming at her asking if she felt "my hate"

this ways the saddest x-mas i ever had.....

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 04:39:02 GMT

i just want to cry. alot. until i drowned myself in sorrows of mine and others around me. this x-mas sucked so much. It wasn't is the Normal Suck either, it was worse. everything wasn't right, and nobody was right.
I'm not going to even right down all the excusses why it sucked.

it was horrible and it didn't feel right. and nobody really talked to me except my aunt and uncle.

my family doesn't even talk to me anymore. not even small talk.

all i want to do is cry.......

i hate x-mas.

le sigh in lees house all alone.....

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 14:21:42 GMT

i love david bollts tattoos and art work. expecially his tattos. i want to be just like him. but better. heheheheheh >;)

i love his coloring though. it looks toxic, almost acid looking. it would look great on jareds skin. and any part skined person. well anyways skin....but i think even better on dark skin. but thats just me.
I almost want to but the templats of bollts tattoos but my pride is yet still to strong and tells me you could come up with better....
jared wants to get my lips on his lowerleft stomach. i think hes crazy. and dumb. but i love him for it. even if it is kinda wierd.....and a very tommy lee thing to do. oh well. his body... hopefully it wont be a mistake. and he wants me to do something on his back once i learn how to tattooo.
i know i would be insane at the shading part. and thats the harderst part soo tracing the templat on is easy sqweezy. but i would always use a templat and not free hand becuas ei'm to much of a perfectionist to jsut free hand. not any time soon.
this chick in my gym class had her boyfriend tatto her...it looks horrible. there is splotches everywhere where he hold the needle down to much and then he connected somthing where he wasn't suppose to...over all bad. when you look at it up close. and one of its intenas are off centered with the other. btu shes to much of an air head to relize it though...ho well at least she likes it.

i hope my mom keeps her promise and lets me get that tattoo. i would be getting this..
but i would want the pendant to be thicker more circlier looking. and i either want it on my right palm and or that little area where your thumb and index finger are..i'm aiming more towards between the fingers though. i think its a good spot. even though celtic pentands remind me of the tribal tattos a bit...but oh well. it has great meaning universaly and to me. sooo btie me i like it.

*sigh*

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 23:38:59 GMT

*sigh* merry chirstmas and new years everyone

now go sell your body for sex to pay of those credict card bills

snap snap you hooker.

p.s. and pass the egg nog and rum for my sake.

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 01:44:15 GMT

i want to tackle jared when he streches and is completely vunerable for my attack.

i'm like the wilderbeast stocking its pray....in the zoo?!?!?!?!!?!?!!??!!?!

i wounder whats a wilderbeast.

eh, i wont spoil the picture i have in my head.

*YAWN* i'm tired.

and thirsty......

i don't wannnnnnnnaaaaaa.....

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 01:33:18 GMT

GROW UP!

i have came to the conclusion that i like the mind set that i'm at. at this very moment. i feeel old by thought, but young by heart, and still questioning, and i like it that way.

i still feel special when the moon is full and i'm walking outside, and it seems like the moon is following me....guiding me when i'm in thought.

even though i know the moon isn't really following me. i just feel comfortable in the dark. with the moon as my nightlight.

childish i know. but it keeps me alive. keeps me happy.

but its not like i feel like i learned Enough!!. i never feel completely finished in learning or making something out of myself, or doing something meaningful to me.

i'm always learning....obserbing. noticing. whats interesting acourse.

I'm always getting yelled at for "daydreaming" or "not paying attention". or being in "la la land". but its not my fault that i'm processing what your saying with my own thoughts with your thoughts, while thinking of that ER show i seen last night, and then wondering if Jareds okay.

i can never think of just one thing at that moment. i try and try so hard to focus on one thing but i'm always caculating, thinking, wondering. puting myself in a situation.

i remember when i was younger, i would completley dilute myself in a vision of my sister michelle being killed or kidnapped. and i would just bawl my face off for hours at night. just with that thought that understanding of that feeling that lost. i can relate.

i mean jesus christ i was in sped classes for years in grade schoool becuase first i couldn't write as fast as i thought and i ended up with giberish all the time. then i couldn't read becuase i was at an 8th grade level when i was only in 1st grade. and then i couldn't read still and write still.....then they told me i couldn't do multiplcation and simple math...so i was in sped math for awhile.

took so many testing untile midnight at 10 years old to see if i had a learning disablitity for my fucken family. and they got what there lil egos asked for....."shes just bored and lazy, she needs to be challenged, shes just advanced for her age"

no what i needed was friends something i never was told i could have. i was alone all my days until michelle came along someone for me to teach and protect. so whatelse would i do expect think and play video games. all i did was sit and listen to my family fight about politics and how this government is for the spics.....i mean for gods sake i was in college at 8 listening to my aunts medical schooling classes becuase i had no babysitter.

but now i'm lazy again i dont give a fuck. i need to grow up and do good in school and "get my act together". BUT ALL I DO IS FUCKENING THINK ABORB INFORMATION. THAT I CAN RELATE AND TRY TO PUT TWO THINGS TOGETHER TO FORM A SINLGE THOUGHT WITH THIS FUCKEN CRAZY ASS PLACE I"M AT

everyone says "they Know" and "they believe me" but they still don't help me.
I'm beggin for help. some stability at home so i can succede in the way that you will all hate anyways. becuase i didn't do to my full capability.
"i never tell hwo i feel or ask for help"

but now i'm asking and now " i think your bi polar"
"you need to have an REM done on you"
"do you hillusinate?"
" your showing signs just like your uncle, and great grand-mother"
" Michelle says that you say things backwords"
"shes just a litle bit dyslexic"
"that how angies mother was"
"shes fine, she jsut needs sleep"
"why don't you sleep"
"why can't you talk to me"
.........

cuase you think i'm fucken crazy.

your making me think i'm crazy when i'm the most functioning one in this family.

Or is that jsut something a crazy person would say?

you thought there was somethings wrong with me from the start.

and i'm constantly thirst.......when i get angry.

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 19:39:00 GMT

*Sigh*

"I'm dying"....."So why are you still here?"

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 13:15:47 GMT

Today is the Funeral without the death.

My moms aunt is dying of nymph noid cancer and tumers like everywhere. Shes been dying for years, but my family just relized it for the whole this time.
Shes my hieght and wieghs 95 pounds on a goood day. she can't take kemo....its to late anyways.

so shes dying.

I'm still debating if its mean of my family....of "us"....to make a gigantic dinner that shes isn't going to eat. Only the fat "lively" fucks around her are going to scarf it down.

My grandmother doesn't like her becuase she smoked ppot. and only pot. i admire you for living anf coping with bi polar with the hilusinations for this long....its most of been hard. I wounder if she will put aside her loath of something she doesn't understand for this day only.

thats to much to ask for.

My cousin Bitch Jason wont come tonight. Even though morrin(cancer lady) has raised him sense he was a small child. He hates corrina(moms cousin) and Matt(cousin).....and he couldn't put aside thier differences for the day either....even though he and matt shared a joint not to long ago....

this family is tied with drugs....and black mail.

So jarade is comming with me today. I'm glade becuase my cousins dont associate with me. after the friendly hello thats the extent of the conversation. we used to be so close when were young. i mean my cousin sondra and i are born on the same day except shes a year older....but we dont talk anymore after i moved out to ware.....neither my other cousins.

and we have nothing in common so its hard to try to talk. pluse sondras boyfriend was smiling and looking at me so she got all pissy ass the last time i seen her.

so its a good thing jared comes. try to keep conserversy to a miminum.

John is comming he hasn't speak to my grandfather in over 15 years...i don't know of this john other than its his brother that he hates.

this promises me a wounderful time.

i usually don't talk much when all the beloved family is around.
only becuas ei dont want to start agruments becase we all don't see eye to eye.

i don't even talk to my grandmother that much anymore. besides a friendly hello.

i hope she doesn't relize jareds half black. ughhh yea that will be the end of it. he doesn't look black though.....maybe like a portogeess.
idk hes a good guy thats what should matter. and i love him.

but then again my grandmother hates everyone even her own neices who are half porto rican.

i fucken hate her and her stupidity. hate her and her "faith"

i hope bringing jared wasn't a bad move...

"we made out with jesus and fucked the devil"

i can't wait to 4 points and the insane asylum....

lee we can make it all the way at 4 points.

sigh

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 16:33:10 GMT

Mono sucks.

everything is moving really fast. and all i can help like feel is me sitting here. doing nothing. ha, well i'm not at the moment. i've been out of it for awhile now. maybe when i'm completely better from being sick, things will get better. hopefully.

i had an akward dream last night. alex hollyer, jesse wetherell, and i were selling ice cream in a red wagon with those little plastic cups that u rinse your mouth out after brushing your teeth. well we ranned out of ice cream and i stopped in to this store that was ranned by some asian men. so i pick up some ice cream and jesse was like " lets sell de ice creaaam here" alex and i were like "ok". so we did and no one bought our ice cream that we bought from the store behind us ha. and the asian men kept on screaming MISFATS MISFATS! you know what annoying asain accent vioce....yea that one. and we were all like ughhhh ok we get it. and we all turned around and KISS was dressed up in police man uniforms haha yea make on and shoes everythiing and they took alex away thinking he was the ring leader of the pack....jesse and i were still laughing our asses off of the sight of KISS.....

ha yea...i know my dreams make no sense. and then i had another dream but it wasn't a funny one....it was quit sad....i woke up with a pain in my chest.

*sigh* i really don't know what to say anymore.

---- i'm here...i'm always here----

ha....yea...

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 07:06:52 GMT

leona puched me in the face in the mosh pit. haha. way to funny. the bitch chiped my tooth and some in the back. i went completely insane threw some chick on the floor.

it was great. i loved it. that randome surge of adreniline that kicks in my head, makes me go insane. where i vision myself beating someones face in or jsut going insane...running and breaking shit. bitting people. yea it gets graphic in my head. and then....

snap. i forget where i am. i can't see. i can't hear. i can't feel. total mayhem. i love that fucken quick feeling. it was great. it felt good.

i'm glade i got to go in there. i'm usually to shy. i want to...but i'm not quite sure how people are going to react. cuase i don't want them to stop moshing cuase i have a vagina.

damn vagina. all it is ...is holdbacks. ha yea that sounds dumb. but it really holds me back sometimes. until i just don't care and i nag at my self just to do it.

oh yea i went to an arch enemy concert. menmic i think was there and all that remains. they where alright. and then some other band. that i forgot that was alright. good show.

other than that. i don't know. i have a headache. i need sleep.

*sigh* jared called me a million times today...everywhere. i felt a little smothered, and annoyed. but all at the sametime i liked it. i like the concern and the love. but after 5 calls....i get the point. but i love him. him and all his schycotic ways. :)
ha. he even had my mother call me twice telling me to call him. shes so funny as much as i can't stand her...95 percent of the time. the person that told me my whole life....never take any shit from a man and be independent. makes me call my boyfriend. shes silly.but thats good though she really likes him.

it was akward she told me" when you and him where standing in the kitchen, and he had his arm around you. he looked so proud to have you as a girlfriend, it just the way he looks at you and holds you."

Me- (stares at the floor bashfil) "yeaaaaaaaa"

ha.yeaa i'm a loser.

oh well....

my friends.....make me giggle....

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 00:11:20 GMT

" Nothings better than a nut cracker straight from the crouch."
Miss. Lee Christainson (my loose friend)

for the record it was my crouch.

thats right niggas

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 22:18:39 GMT

i feel like i'm going to throw up.

im sick. and dead.

i remember.....

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 10:04:13 GMT

i have no worry forgeting who i am. losing myself in everyday stress. and what this bloody world demands of of my pocket....my heart. i can just look at other people and remember. remember everything i want to be. everything.

you ask me what do you want to be when you grow up.
i say everything and anything. i'll dominate all.
your mind stairs blankly
my mind giggles

i need to be do everything jsut so then i know its done right. the piece that i contribute to the evolution... there is no doubt.

some citizen think i'm odd. insane. silly. maybe
but i hear and see you all. i can see your ways your impression, your interpretation. i have all these other vioces in my head that argue with one another on things. everything. to what i eat for lunnch to what i think about you. but i'm not slip personality. i'm not shizcosphrenic to my knowlegde but it wont serpise me cuase it runs so strongly in the family. no i'm am one. in whole. i just understand. and if i don't. i will try. i'm always thinking. i have all the time in the world

i've noticed that i grown in the ast year. alot. but i still hear my inner child in my words. in my thoughts. deffinitly in my speech.

i need to fix that my speech.
and my writting.
but i can write
but i can't speak
theres a big difference in the two. but i need to learn hwo to speek. down to pernouncing correctly. lol i been so observant to other people that i caught there pernouncing there accents a bit. with out noticing. like striaght jaket. i say stray jacket. becuase alot of people make the ght silent in a conversating conversation. so i pick it up instantly.
it sucks. i can pick up little things like that. but when you tell me to remember something. and ask me 2 minutes later. i can't.
i need self dicipline. lol
alot of said that to me. but the thing is i do. i have alot actually.

i hold back everything inside. so i can keep you all (ppl in my life ppl around me) functioning.

its hard to say no when your mind is already 5 steps ahead of you.

disfuntion is a function.

WOOOHOOOO SLIPKNOT!