| envy is probably the deadlest thing...next to love. |
[Dec. 11th, 2006|08:55 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | misfits-dust to dust | ] |
i'm so sick of this shit. i was your friends your good friend. " i feel the saftest and closest to you"....what happen. what possesed you into evious compotetion, to the point of hurting others to get to me?
Within my hatred for you. I can find a love. A love i know within you.
Don't make me kill you..... |
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| ....hmmmmmm BLAH! |
[Nov. 20th, 2006|04:48 pm] |
everything is going good. and things are finally lightening up from beign sick and bullshit at quabbin. I'm glade. I was feeling hopeless.
its great to be optimistic...
<3333 |
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| they call me Saucy Jacky..... |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|02:34 pm] |
I've had enough of trying my fucken hardest to try to be accepted for your standers. (oh yes this being you....you know who you are) Expecially, when I did no wrong. I simply fell in love with a loving, understanding, beautiful young man. Which is only expected if it was you, who have ever been so fortunate to encounter such a person. And if you have then you can relate with me.
And being overprotective of your younger brother is highly acceptable. And so am i, with all 7 of my siblings.and YES! i did have had a rough life so far, and have experienced life and death with close encounters.
So don't play me to be the young ignorant young girl whos made mistakes for attention becuase she plays the victim. and don't look down on me becuase i'm younger. becuase we can determin whose more mature(blacking mailing your own flesh and blood with his own disicions rather then supporting him with the ones he made). but i will scoop down to your level becuase they call me "Saucy Jacky".
But lets make this clear and enlighten you on the type of person i am to this very day. I never make or peer pressure your brother/my love into doing anything he didn't want to. I've had done things on my own terms, and MY own terms only. and yes he has known about them. But his well being is more important than my own and always will be..with all the highest priority. no influence will enflict on eachothers oppinion and decisions, jsut the care and concern that we have for one anothers well being.
Now i'm a very ethnical, responsibly, independent person. i always tell him if he hasn't known already the concequenses, what i think, other ways or ideas. But hes decision was the final outcome...not mine. and i will support him for his decision he makes under every circumstances. And help him when he has fallen with all my love, and support i could possibly give.
and as you know now,we have made decisions together as an couple.....more than a couple. As lovers. And we do these things with greatest intelligence, percaution, and love as any people should be doing.
I love him. and there is nothing you can do about it. and if this is my sin.
then so be it.
yours truely,
melanie wicken
Jared says:
so what are you up to
mel:
not much you ?
Jared says:
nothing really im recording my voice im such a loser lol
Jared says:
i miss you sooo much
mel:
thats ok i love you even if you are a loser.....
Jared says:
lol
mel:
lol but thats pretty bad
Jared says:
thank yo i love you too
mel:
lol i've done the same
Jared says:
lol
Jared says:
i love you
theres a price to pay for happiness...i'm fully convinced. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2006|06:20 pm] |
i can't believe i losted a friend becuase of fucken Jesus. Damnit....i'm ganna bring her back to the darkside if its the last thing i bloody do.
I <3 Ginger ALE ALOT!
lol today i been extremely loveable, as Misty would say " yea, thats when blood comes out of my vagina".
sometimes you just got to love the bus of doom... |
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| photos... |
[Feb. 12th, 2006|07:40 pm] |
so lee and i taken some photos for this upcomming art show i'm in. there not to bad. there is still one picture i been dying to take. anyways. so its silly that the pictures are actually of leona and i . But we haven't found anyone willing to shoot. so if you knwo of anyone that is willing to be taken and to set up a date. that would be lovely....if anyone loooks at these anymore. *sigh* ....
What hurts more,the Cold or Lonliness?
Child's Play
Saluate Dominus
Never Alone.... ( look it the orbs)
Beauty is in the Madness
Devil me this.
linger amongst the forgoten
.... |
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| talentless.... |
[Jan. 17th, 2006|07:03 pm] |
I had a meeting with mrs. adams today... i avoided accusing Ms. Spencer for grading me wrong, and started out with i need another chance, and i was going to go on as i took art 1 two years in a row back in quboag with A's. Blamming Ms. Spencer for the only chance of me passing Art 1 by the skin of my teeth i knew wasn't a good aproch, not with a classic art teacher. I KNEW BETTER, although i didn't excusse it either. Becuause she did, many of times.
She told me that i would get my second chance in a year. I would have to do Art 2 in my senior year. and the only reason i would into Art 2 was becuase Art 1 is always packet with "new commers". " Even though I know that she wont be able to do Art 2". I was told i was talentless, had no meaning to art, no bussinuess in Art, and that i wouldn't make it in the art world becuase its so competitive.
I cryed. i sat there and i cryed half way through the accusement of being talentless. I never been in so much rage in my life in school. i'm usually well tamed when it comes to my anger and learn how to controll it, so it came out in tears to the point i was holding my arms between my legs cuase they were shakig so much, and i couldn't speak. THe only thing that was racing through my mind was. " Ripp her vocal cords out...just Ripp them out, or take the fucken chair do something"
The only way i could try to justify myself as Ms. Esilonis pushed me on, on explaining my home life to her. Was to scream sense she wouldn't allow me to speak and talked in a rather lough degrating vioce. so i cried more...in fustration.
she goes to ms. esilonis " she jsut said art wasn't meaningful to her"
" you wouldn't let her finsih her sentence"
...
i said nothing. but " why would i be here if i didn't have some type of meaning for art"
she just looked at me like shit and said "yea??..."
i couldn't even deffend myself. becuase all i wanted to do is pick at her for everything that shes worth.her fucken art classes....
But when you call me fucken talentless you better fucken watch out i'm comming for you and your dignity.
talentless.... |
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| ha. |
[Jan. 17th, 2006|05:56 am] |
its preety funny i just relized that when i don't sleep and awake at 2:30 in the morning i sit there and daydream to the point that i think i'm sleeping and dreaming.
i came to this conclusion when i kept on "wakign up" with my eyes open......
im soo silly. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2006|07:27 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | helena- the misfits | ] |
I will love you till death does us part. Even then my love shall haunt you forever.
forever, and ever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2006|05:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sexecutioners - gwar | ] |
" I have no faith in human perfectibility. I think that human exerction will have no effect upon humanity. Man is now only more active-not more happy-not more wise, than he was 6,000 years ago." Edgar A. Poe
its still true to this very day. But i still have faith in mankind....the minority that is.
I must say that i will miss US History. For Mr.loosemore is a very good teacher and a teacher that i will miss. theres only a few teacher-nevermind people, that have taken my oppinion in thought and or accept is as at least an oppinion of the overactive minded youth. rather than dissmiss it for lack of wisdom. very appriciated.
i have given up on art in quabbin.i will revenge myself with something more great on my own. i will go from artist to artist i will go through history and lifes integrity and show you something natrually proccessed with a flavor of raw essence. oh and i will. you watch me. i can smell your curiousity from here. oh yes.
" you guys are so morbid."
ig·no·rance ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gnr-ns)
n.
The condition of being uneducated, unaware, or uninformed.
fear ( P ) Pronunciation Key (fîr)
n.
A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.
A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.
A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear
stu·pid·i·ty ( P ) Pronunciation Key (st-pd-t, sty-)
n. pl. stu·pid·i·ties
The quality or condition of being stupid.
A stupid act, remark, or idea.
i can't smell the difference.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 3rd, 2006|10:27 am] |
:)
snow day.
yay.
:(
me throat hurts.
other news. leona and i are sycotic. my hair has grown out and i feel like i have 80's hair with the layers grown out. *le sigh* oh well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 2nd, 2006|11:03 am] |
i figured out what i'm ganan do for the rest of the year and graudation.
i'm going to gradutate.
i'm going to have the art gallery show soon....
i'm stubburnly in love. yes stubburnly becuase i finally admitted that i was in love ( i was affriad to fall inlove).
i have lost a friend becuase of me falling inlove. but thats ok. i did alot for her anyways. i did love her.
bass is comming good.
frank says i can sing.......but i'm chicken shit
i hate school. but i have a few tachers on myside.....finnally
i learned to open up....and addmitt i might have a problem. well problems...
but i don't feel bad for them.
i'm proud of myself.for?.....everything
i'm a good lover. and i'm proud of that too.
i'm sexually active and not pregnant....sorry jerry
i got new panties and bras...
things i'm happy about.......yay.
i < x 3 you! |
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| Do you feel my hate? |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|09:29 pm] |
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Blinnky13: i know you would help me but ur not here so it only works to some extent. i have 2 more years and i'm going to try my damdest to stay here .....fuck idk if i can i got soo pissed at her i visioned myself sliting my wrist and bleeding on her....i pictured myself smearing her face in my blood on the kitchen table....screaming at her asking if she felt "my hate" |
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| this ways the saddest x-mas i ever had..... |
[Dec. 24th, 2005|11:35 pm] |
i just want to cry. alot. until i drowned myself in sorrows of mine and others around me. this x-mas sucked so much. It wasn't is the Normal Suck either, it was worse. everything wasn't right, and nobody was right.
I'm not going to even right down all the excusses why it sucked.
it was horrible and it didn't feel right. and nobody really talked to me except my aunt and uncle.
my family doesn't even talk to me anymore. not even small talk.
all i want to do is cry.......
i hate x-mas. |
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| *le sigh* in lees house all alone..... |
[Dec. 24th, 2005|09:04 am] |
i love david bollts tattoos and art work. expecially his tattos. i want to be just like him. but better. heheheheheh >;)
i love his coloring though. it looks toxic, almost acid looking. it would look great on jareds skin. and any part skined person. well anyways skin....but i think even better on dark skin. but thats just me.
I almost want to but the templats of bollts tattoos but my pride is yet still to strong and tells me you could come up with better....
jared wants to get my lips on his lowerleft stomach. i think hes crazy. and dumb. but i love him for it. even if it is kinda wierd.....and a very tommy lee thing to do. oh well. his body... hopefully it wont be a mistake. and he wants me to do something on his back once i learn how to tattooo.
i know i would be insane at the shading part. and thats the harderst part soo tracing the templat on is easy sqweezy. but i would always use a templat and not free hand becuas ei'm to much of a perfectionist to jsut free hand. not any time soon.
this chick in my gym class had her boyfriend tatto her...it looks horrible. there is splotches everywhere where he hold the needle down to much and then he connected somthing where he wasn't suppose to...over all bad. when you look at it up close. and one of its intenas are off centered with the other. btu shes to much of an air head to relize it though...ho well at least she likes it.
i hope my mom keeps her promise and lets me get that tattoo. i would be getting this..
 but i would want the pendant to be thicker more circlier looking. and i either want it on my right palm and or that little area where your thumb and index finger are..i'm aiming more towards between the fingers though. i think its a good spot. even though celtic pentands remind me of the tribal tattos a bit...but oh well. it has great meaning universaly and to me. sooo btie me i like it.
*sigh* |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2005|06:36 pm] |
*sigh* merry chirstmas and new years everyone
now go sell your body for sex to pay of those credict card bills
snap snap you hooker.
p.s. and pass the egg nog and rum for my sake. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2005|08:41 pm] |
i want to tackle jared when he streches and is completely vunerable for my attack.
i'm like the wilderbeast stocking its pray....in the zoo?!?!?!?!!?!?!!??!!?!
i wounder whats a wilderbeast.
eh, i wont spoil the picture i have in my head.
*YAWN* i'm tired.
and thirsty...... |
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| i don't wannnnnnnnaaaaaa..... |
[Dec. 21st, 2005|07:57 pm] |
GROW UP!
i have came to the conclusion that i like the mind set that i'm at. at this very moment. i feeel old by thought, but young by heart, and still questioning, and i like it that way.
i still feel special when the moon is full and i'm walking outside, and it seems like the moon is following me....guiding me when i'm in thought.
even though i know the moon isn't really following me. i just feel comfortable in the dark. with the moon as my nightlight.
childish i know. but it keeps me alive. keeps me happy.
but its not like i feel like i learned Enough!!. i never feel completely finished in learning or making something out of myself, or doing something meaningful to me.
i'm always learning....obserbing. noticing. whats interesting acourse.
I'm always getting yelled at for "daydreaming" or "not paying attention". or being in "la la land". but its not my fault that i'm processing what your saying with my own thoughts with your thoughts, while thinking of that ER show i seen last night, and then wondering if Jareds okay.
i can never think of just one thing at that moment. i try and try so hard to focus on one thing but i'm always caculating, thinking, wondering. puting myself in a situation.
i remember when i was younger, i would completley dilute myself in a vision of my sister michelle being killed or kidnapped. and i would just bawl my face off for hours at night. just with that thought that understanding of that feeling that lost. i can relate.
i mean jesus christ i was in sped classes for years in grade schoool becuase first i couldn't write as fast as i thought and i ended up with giberish all the time. then i couldn't read becuase i was at an 8th grade level when i was only in 1st grade. and then i couldn't read still and write still.....then they told me i couldn't do multiplcation and simple math...so i was in sped math for awhile.
took so many testing untile midnight at 10 years old to see if i had a learning disablitity for my fucken family. and they got what there lil egos asked for....."shes just bored and lazy, she needs to be challenged, shes just advanced for her age"
no what i needed was friends something i never was told i could have. i was alone all my days until michelle came along someone for me to teach and protect. so whatelse would i do expect think and play video games. all i did was sit and listen to my family fight about politics and how this government is for the spics.....i mean for gods sake i was in college at 8 listening to my aunts medical schooling classes becuase i had no babysitter.
but now i'm lazy again i dont give a fuck. i need to grow up and do good in school and "get my act together". BUT ALL I DO IS FUCKENING THINK ABORB INFORMATION. THAT I CAN RELATE AND TRY TO PUT TWO THINGS TOGETHER TO FORM A SINLGE THOUGHT WITH THIS FUCKEN CRAZY ASS PLACE I"M AT
everyone says "they Know" and "they believe me" but they still don't help me.
I'm beggin for help. some stability at home so i can succede in the way that you will all hate anyways. becuase i didn't do to my full capability.
"i never tell hwo i feel or ask for help"
but now i'm asking and now " i think your bi polar"
"you need to have an REM done on you"
"do you hillusinate?"
" your showing signs just like your uncle, and great grand-mother"
" Michelle says that you say things backwords"
"shes just a litle bit dyslexic"
"that how angies mother was"
"shes fine, she jsut needs sleep"
"why don't you sleep"
"why can't you talk to me"
.........
cuase you think i'm fucken crazy.
your making me think i'm crazy when i'm the most functioning one in this family.
Or is that jsut something a crazy person would say?
you thought there was somethings wrong with me from the start.
and i'm constantly thirst.......when i get angry. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 20th, 2005|02:38 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | alien sex fiend -zombified | ] |
*Sigh* |
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